The Big Reveal

Well, this is the first post in my journey to get out of debt. Why the name "SecretDebtGirl?" Well, how many women married over 20 years have over $70,000 in secret credit card debt, do you think? Not many, I would guess. But, then again, I am such a lady.

There are no words that can adequately describe the shame I feel in having made the choices/purchases that have placed me in this difficult situation. You see, this is not the first time I have struggled with secret debt. Several times during the course of my marriage my husband has discovered such a debt, and then would help to pay it off with bonus money, etc. But I have never had more than $10,000 in secret debt before. If and when my husband finds out about this debt, our marriage will be over. I know it, and it is my fault.

My therapist (who thinks that I have only $20,000 in secret debt) thinks that I am reenacting the keeping of a secret over and over again, because I was sexually abused by my stepfather as a young girl, and never told anyone. My husband knows that the abuse occurred, but none of the details. I have never been able to speak of the details, even with my therapist. Anyway, it is an interesting theory, and may have some merit, but it does not absolve me of the responsibility and blame I should have for the debt situation.

So far, I have been making all of the payments on time, and still paying all household expenses as needed, but this has become very stressful to me. I think about the debt on and off during the day, and it is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep at night.

My husband is in the military and is away for the year in training (not overseas), so I am alone a lot when I am not with the kids (3 at home, 1 in college). I do not work outside of the home, so I feel more guilt that I have mismanaged money that I am not even working to earn.

I wonder why my husband has continued to leave the finances to me after the 2 or 3 "secret debt" discoveries that he has had. I think he really wants to trust me, and I wish that he could. I really do not understand why I keep playing out the secret debt scenario over and over.

I am going to try to chronicle my efforts to get out of this debt without my husband discovering it. I will also try to keep blogging even if the debt is discovered and my marriage falls apart. Well, enough for tonight. Thanks for reading.