After a break of over 3 months, I returned to therapy today. I decided to tell my therapist about the increase in my secret debt, but when the time came to talk about it, I still could not be completely honest. I told her that I have $50,000 in secret debt, rather than the $70,000 that I actually have. She said that she does not think any worse of me, and was happy that I disclosed the increase in my debt. I cannot believe that she does not think that I am a complete loser.
I was honest and told her that I am so overwhelmed by the amount of the debt that my only consolation is the thought that if "something happens to me" that my life insurance will more than cover paying off the debt, and take care of my children's futures. This is morbid, I know, and I did assure my therapist that I am not actually suicidal, just very down at times.
She mentioned a book by Kevin Trudeau called Debt Cures that might help me. However, after researching the book, it seems that it is really a scam, just like his Medical Cures book. So, I am not going to buy it. I really wish that there were grants that would help to pay off my debt.
I am going to try to cut up all of my 10(!) credit cards by the end of the month, if I can do it. It will be hard to do, because after making all of my monthly payments, I sometimes need to turn to them to make regular purchases that I should have the money for, if it were not for the credit card payments I make religiously each month. A vicious cycle, I know, but I have to find some way out.
I have started a small home business selling greeting cards and stationary products, and with the holidays coming, I am hoping that I can make at least a couple thousand dollars that I can use toward my debt.
Anyway, I know that no one is reading this blog yet, but it does help me to get some of my thoughts and feelings out via the computer. I have to go to bed now...I must be up early to get the kids off to school. Good night!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Big Reveal
Well, this is the first post in my journey to get out of debt. Why the name "SecretDebtGirl?" Well, how many women married over 20 years have over $70,000 in secret credit card debt, do you think? Not many, I would guess. But, then again, I am such a lady.
There are no words that can adequately describe the shame I feel in having made the choices/purchases that have placed me in this difficult situation. You see, this is not the first time I have struggled with secret debt. Several times during the course of my marriage my husband has discovered such a debt, and then would help to pay it off with bonus money, etc. But I have never had more than $10,000 in secret debt before. If and when my husband finds out about this debt, our marriage will be over. I know it, and it is my fault.
My therapist (who thinks that I have only $20,000 in secret debt) thinks that I am reenacting the keeping of a secret over and over again, because I was sexually abused by my stepfather as a young girl, and never told anyone. My husband knows that the abuse occurred, but none of the details. I have never been able to speak of the details, even with my therapist. Anyway, it is an interesting theory, and may have some merit, but it does not absolve me of the responsibility and blame I should have for the debt situation.
So far, I have been making all of the payments on time, and still paying all household expenses as needed, but this has become very stressful to me. I think about the debt on and off during the day, and it is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep at night.
My husband is in the military and is away for the year in training (not overseas), so I am alone a lot when I am not with the kids (3 at home, 1 in college). I do not work outside of the home, so I feel more guilt that I have mismanaged money that I am not even working to earn.
I wonder why my husband has continued to leave the finances to me after the 2 or 3 "secret debt" discoveries that he has had. I think he really wants to trust me, and I wish that he could. I really do not understand why I keep playing out the secret debt scenario over and over.
I am going to try to chronicle my efforts to get out of this debt without my husband discovering it. I will also try to keep blogging even if the debt is discovered and my marriage falls apart. Well, enough for tonight. Thanks for reading.
There are no words that can adequately describe the shame I feel in having made the choices/purchases that have placed me in this difficult situation. You see, this is not the first time I have struggled with secret debt. Several times during the course of my marriage my husband has discovered such a debt, and then would help to pay it off with bonus money, etc. But I have never had more than $10,000 in secret debt before. If and when my husband finds out about this debt, our marriage will be over. I know it, and it is my fault.
My therapist (who thinks that I have only $20,000 in secret debt) thinks that I am reenacting the keeping of a secret over and over again, because I was sexually abused by my stepfather as a young girl, and never told anyone. My husband knows that the abuse occurred, but none of the details. I have never been able to speak of the details, even with my therapist. Anyway, it is an interesting theory, and may have some merit, but it does not absolve me of the responsibility and blame I should have for the debt situation.
So far, I have been making all of the payments on time, and still paying all household expenses as needed, but this has become very stressful to me. I think about the debt on and off during the day, and it is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep at night.
My husband is in the military and is away for the year in training (not overseas), so I am alone a lot when I am not with the kids (3 at home, 1 in college). I do not work outside of the home, so I feel more guilt that I have mismanaged money that I am not even working to earn.
I wonder why my husband has continued to leave the finances to me after the 2 or 3 "secret debt" discoveries that he has had. I think he really wants to trust me, and I wish that he could. I really do not understand why I keep playing out the secret debt scenario over and over.
I am going to try to chronicle my efforts to get out of this debt without my husband discovering it. I will also try to keep blogging even if the debt is discovered and my marriage falls apart. Well, enough for tonight. Thanks for reading.
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